Transcript of a fake podcast
If I had really done a podcast I'd be posting that. This transcript is 100% a product of my mind. No women were interviewed (though I pull from material from previous conversations). No animals were harmed. Just good clean fun. In this podcast "Tampon Tom" interviews "Jill".
Now that I have written this I have two critiques. Yes, I'm critiquing my own work. There are places where the conversation takes an unnatural shift. I'm not a professional writer and I know I struggle with making a story flow in a realistic fashion. Two, I'm not so sure about the spontaneous pad/tampon changing. I doubt I personally would ask to do that. I doubt a woman would go along with it. I do think a woman would get pissed about me continuing the interview while I watch her menstruate. When I wrote it the mood seemed right. Now that I go back it seems awkward. Oh well, this is fiction.
T: Hello everyone. This is Tampon Tom and this is the first installment of the Tampon Talk Padcast, a podcast about menstruation. In these podcasts we'll deal with serious issues surrounding the menstrual cycle, but there is a fetish element, and these podcasts are intended for mature, adult audiences. Today I am fortunate enough to be joined by Jill. Thank you Jill.
J: Thank you, Tom.
T: Jill, tell us a little about yourself.
J: I'm 28 years-old, single. I work as a store manager, and live in Ohio.
T: To let everyone know, it's my intent to keep the interviewees' identifies rather vague just to prevent any problems.
J: (laughs) Thanks Tom.
T: Jill, let's start at the beginning. Share with us about your first period. When it was. How old you were.
J: I actually don't remember too much about it.
T: Isn't that odd? I mean this is a major event in your life.
J: I don't remember the first time I brushed my teeth. It's just not something I thought to remember for all eternity (laughs). I do remember we were on summer vacation at the beach and I was only 10.
T: 10. That's a little on the young side.
J: Yeah, it kind of is. I think I was the first of my friends to get her period. I was actually almost 11.
T: So doing the math, this was the summer of 1987? That's the year you turned 11, right?
J: I was born in 1976, so yeah, it would've been 1987, sure.
T: So what happened?
J: My vagina started to bleed (laughs).
T: (laughs) Yeah, well, I sort of figured that.
J: I had a stomach-ache that morning. I was a real pill at the beach. My family was in the water and I was just sitting on the beach being a little bitch. I just felt weird. I went into one of those public beach bathrooms and saw something brownish in my bathing suit. I had to yell out into the ocean for my mom. I thought I had diarrhea or something. It wasn't until we got back to the motel room did my mom tell me what it was.
T: Were you prepared for this? Did you know to expect your period?
J: Not really. I'm the only girl in my family, so I didn't have older sisters. My mom had explained to me once before what her pads were for and I knew I would have to do it to. I wish I had known a little more, but I don't know it would've helped.
T: What do you mean?
J: Well, I was only 10. That's pretty young. All the information in the world wouldn't have helped me. It wouldn't have sunk in.
T: So what did you do next?
J: My mom had no pads. She wanted to leave me in the motel room and run to the store. I didn't want her to leave me. She offered to get my dad, but that would've brought my brothers in. I didn't need three guys staring at me. I think I was frustrating my mom. She told me to fold some toilet paper into my panties and took me to a drug store near the motel.
T: What did she buy you?
J: I don't know the brand, but they were the cheapest pads in the store. I still remember them. Whenever I see those free pads in airplanes I always think of my first ones. No wings and small.
T: Do you remember how long your period lasted?
J: The rest of our time at the beach. I couldn't go swimming obviously, so it shot my vacation.
J: No, silly (laughs). I couldn't go into the water wearing a pad.
T: Not to get too far ahead of ourselves, when did you start using tampons?
J: Probably the next summer. I really enjoyed swimming.
T: What was that like, using tampons for the first time.
J: It wasn't that bad. My mom showed just holding one how to insert it and press the plunger. I thought it'd hurt, but I really didn't feel anything.
T: So you did it all by yourself?
T: How long did it take you to get used to having periods?
J: What do you mean?
T: Well, obviously I'm not a woman, but I would imagine it feels quite unnatural at first to be bleeding there, wearing a pad, wondering if everyone knows, worried you're leaking, and such.
J: I still worry about all of that (laughs). I think by my third period I had the routine down.
T: Were your periods regular, every 28 days, then.
J: I think. My mom showed me how to use a calendar. I do remember getting my period early one month which put me on the same schedule as my mom.
T: Which came first? Boobs or your period.
J: I'm still waiting for boobs (laughs).
T: Oh come now! You're what? 36-C?
J: You're too kind. I wear a 34-B bra. I got my period first.
T: As you progressed through your teen years, how did you period change? What was it like growing up a girl?
J: I noticed my periods getting heavier and the cramping getting worse and worse.
T: What did you do for that?
J: I had to change my pads and tampons more often. Oh, Jill bitch time! It's obviously men who create the bell schedules in schools. 6 minutes is not long enough between periods. Yeah, they called them "periods" at my school. It was like every girl in the school was menstruating at the same time and we're all in there between classes trying to change ourselves and get to our next class on time. It got to where some of us wouldn't go into a stall to change a pad.
T: Just out there in the middle of the bathroom?
J: Yeah, it's not a huge deal. I couldn't bring myself to changing a tampon that way. Sometimes 2 or 3 of us would pile into a stall for that.
T: (fakes a heart attack) If I could've shared that stall, I could die. There'd be nothing else to live for.
J: (laughs) Trust me. Three bitchy, bleeding, hormonal girls who are late for class would not have been pleasant.
T: How'd you handle cramps?
J: Poorly. I just popped Advil and bitched at people.
T: We've talked about your early years and your teen years. You're now a young women, men in your life, and all. What do they think about your period?
J: I dated a guy in high school. He just had no clue. I'd be sweet one week, bitchy the next. I tried to tell him with those vague phrases like "it's my time of the month" or "I'm just not myself this week". He had no clue.
T: Okay, Tom bitch time. If schools and parents would include boys when discussing the menstrual cycle, perhaps we'd be more understanding and more mature about it! I'm sorry Jill, please go on.
J: I didn't get sexually involved until I was 19. He was a little queazy about it.
T: In what way?
J: I could talk a little more about my period. I could tell him "I'm getting my period next week" and he'd know what that really meant. But I couldn't really send him for tampons and he'd only touch me towards the end of my period.
T: How'd that make you feel?
J: (laughs) I see where you're doing. Did I feel unclean because of how he acted? Was I offended? No. Periods are really gross, face it.
T: Are not!
J: Are to! (laughs) I understood. I can't say I'd want to be around menstruation if I didn't have to.
T: If you could stop your periods, but be otherwise a healthy woman capable of reproduction, would you?
J: If it also got rid of the cramps and bloating and shit, yeah, I would in a second.
T: You see pretty open about your periods. Why do you feel comfortable with it? A lot of women are not and go to great lengths to conceal their periods.
J: (sings) "The times, they are a-changin'". I don't know that I'm that open about it.
T: I met you on a menstruation forum and you're here chatting with me. I wouldn't think most women would do that.
J: I'm younger than you I know. I think many women my age are more likely to discuss it that say, women my mother's age.
T: I'm closer to your age than your mother's age.
J: But you're a man.
T: Exactly. You're discussing this with a man and not your fellow ladies.
J: Okay. I'll go ahead and share this story. It's really weird.
T: Go on.
J: I worked with a woman at the old store who was one of those Mother Earth lesbian types. Well, she would sleep with men every now and then. She pissed me off, I was without a man and couldn't find one anywhere. She's a lesbian and whenever she "needed dick" she'd have a guy in a second. We were in this sauna just wrapped in towels. When we get ready to leave, she grabs a towel she had been sitting on and it was covered in blood. She went on about how natural menstruation was and she likes to free flow while in the heat of the sauna. She only used a towel out of courtesy to others who had to use the sauna. She was going to build her own someday and would just bleed right on the bench. She had a tattoo on her belly, right over her uterus. In fact it was shaped like a uterus. It had 28 rays or something coming from it. The 5 on top symbolized her bleeding. She was really into her cycle.
T: I'd love to interview her.
J: I haven't talked to her in ages. I'll see. Anyway, I was pretty down on men and relationships and all and she's telling me how wonderful it was to be a woman, how the Earth is also a woman, I needed to think positively about my cycle. I don't follow her menstruation worship crap, but I decided I shouldn't be ashamed of my period. I got curious how other women handled cramps and heavy bleeding. I found the Internet forums and here I am.
T: I thank you for your candidness and I hope my listeners feel the same way. Let's wrap this up with a few more questions.
T: Which feminine products do you use?
J: I usually use Always Ultra pads with wings and Tampax tampons with the plastic applicator.
J: I like the way the Always fits me. And the Tampax? I don't know, it's the name brand and works. I'm more picky about my pads.
T: I do know that wings help by holding the pad closer to the body. Is that why you use them?
J: Yeah, I just feel more confident with them.
T: When was your last period?
J: Actually Tom, I got it yesterday.
T: You're kidding?
J: Nope. I got that tingly-pain sensation down my thighs last night and sure enough I was bleeding.
J: Gee, thanks.
T: By my calendar you should be PMS-ing right now.
J: I don't think I've updated you on my period in a couple of months and they started coming a little earlier. So here I am.
T: What are you wearing now?
J: A pad and a tampon.
T: Wow. Hey, let me ask. You can say "no", but can I change you?
J: I was wondering if you'd ask.
T: Can you strip down to your panties and lie on the bed? I promise there will be no inappropriate touching.
J: Changing me is appropriate (laughs)?
T: I'm not going to rape you.
J: (laughs) Thank you. You're such a gentleman.
Tom collects a fresh pad and tampon from Jill's purse, places a towel down on the bed, and prepares a washcloth. Jill removes her shoes and jeans.
T: Okay, sorry about that. This part wasn't rehearsed. I sent Jill my interview form and we agreed on the questions and topics ahead of time. This part wasn't part of the plan. In case you're wondering, I'm in sales and travel all over the country. I'm in Ohio right now and we're in my hotel room. I can see the wings of the Always pad wrapped about the crotch of Jill's dark blue panties. Do you typically choose darker colors when you're bleeding?
J: I usually don't care. But this was my only clean pair this morning.
T: I'm going to slide Jill's panties off. Lift your butt up a little... there we go. Okay. Wow. Her string has a little blood on it and this pad is soaked. How's that?
J: This morning I wore on a pad, got it bloodied, then inserted a tampon. I was thinking you'd ask to change me and thought you might enjoy it this way more.
T: I appreciate the gesture. Here, hold your microphone by your panties while I remove the pad. (Ripping sound of pad). I'll set the pad over here. If it's okay with you can I post pictures of your pad and tampon in the show notes? No pictures of you.
J: That's fine.
T: Okay, hold the mic down by your vagina while I pull the tampon out. Wow, that plopped right out.
J: I'm a pretty heavy bleeder.
T: A little surge, well, surge is a strong word. Some blood poured out after I removed the tampon.
J: You should see it when I'm standing. It drips down my leg.
T: Can you take us on a tour of your cycle, what we had discussed before?
T: Afterwards I'll clean you up and all. I want to watch you menstruate.
J: Uh, that's fine.
T: Most biology textbooks show the onset of menstruation to be "day zero". I want to save that for the end. So you get your period, you bleed, bleed, bleed. What's next.
J: I kept the diary you had asked about the changes in my body. I bleed for 4 or 5 days. If I bleed heavily at first it's 4 days. This period will probably be 4. Once it's over I feel lighter, more clean, and happier. My vulva and breasts aren't as puffy. In fact I'm a little loose in my bra. There are really no changes until about 13 days after my period has started. I don't use hormonal birth control, so I do ovulate. I have to use a mini-pad, usually just a generic brand, because I get mucousy. I also get incredibly horny. That lasts for 2 days. Sometimes 5 days.
T: Do you experience pain on either side while you're ovulating.
J: I always have. Then you told me what it was. It's my ovaries working. It does alternate from side to side. This month it was my left side. It's a dull ache. Nothing too bad. I hit about a week's worth of no-man's land. I'm not particularly bitchy, but I'm not myself. Towards the end of that week I start bloating. My bra feels light, my jeans don't fit right. That final week I'm pretty much a bitch princess. I get cramps and my mood is just horrible. I get my period. I get achy down there, but it is sort of relief and can you do something! I have blood dripping down into my ass crack.
T: Oh, sorry. Let me clean that.
J: Christ that washcloth is cold!
T: Crap, sorry. Here, let me insert your tampon.
Tom unwraps the tampon, places it inside Jill, and inserts it.
T: How's that?
J: Good. I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting to lie here naked like this.
T: I understand. (Tom unwraps maxi pad and puts it in Jill's panties). Here, let's get your panties back on.
T: Let me apologize again. This was rather spontaneous. And well, I'm male.
J: It's okay, I'm not mad. I just felt a little self-conscious lying there with my legs spread open and blood running down my crack.
T: Can we still talk about the last topic? Your most embarrassing moment?
J: You mean besides what we just did?
J: When I an assistant manager I had to work a Saturday in the tire and lube section of the store with all the mechanics. All the male mechanics. Naturally I had put on light colored pants. My period hit early, without warning, and it was bloody. I had none of the signs. I didn't feel like I was menstruating. I was out in the bays much of the day and assumed I was sweating. I went to the bathroom and my panties were shot and there was a huge stain on my pants.
T: Oh dear.
T: What did you do?
J: Cleaning up was useless. I grabbed some coveralls the mechanics wear and wrapped it around my waist. I marched into the store and grabbed a package of panties, some pants, and some pads. I removed all the tags, marched into the employee bathroom, cleaned up, and changed. I threw my panties and pants out.
T: Did anyone say anything to you?
J: Not a word. I'm sure they were laughing behind my back, or maybe these guys just didn't know, assumed it was motor oil.
T: Sorry to hear about that.
J: I was sorry to live it.
T: Well, I hope you enjoyed this first installment of the Tampon Talk Padcast. Thank you Jill. So long!